I LET GO, it's time.

Though i learnt the hardest way, i learnt a lesson. a valuable one.

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Al-Baqarah 2:286)

 Look at this lyrics...

it motivates me :

Look around, it's dead at night
You've been losing every fight
You're hope is, feeling broken
You're feet are rough, they're scraped and bruised
But still have strength to take you through,
Into,
The dark

At the beach, the waves will crash
Tuck and grab and pull you back
The sun may, be covered in gray
The sand will itch, itself may burn
Hurricane will take it's turn
Until,
The dawn


So close your eyes, shut them tight
Let it be, and it will fade away 

Push on though the strength in you
Let it be, and wish it all away 

With open eyes,
Open wide,
It's all good now, watch it fade away,
Day by day

Just close your eyes
And push right through
I know it's tough right now
This was meant for you
When the clouds are gone
Not a shadow in sight
You'll be drenched in the sun
With open eyes

 

I been avoiding him since then, last time i talked to that person was in June, before i started my 2nd semester (my last).. it was a hard decision. But when i looked back, a few months before, i was stupid, or even crazy to cry for  months for someone that'll never be mine. i have to understand what's not mine won't be mine no matter how i cry, be sad, or beg for it to change.. MIXED feeling preceded this..i was angry,annoyed, mostly, sad. 

I felt like my sanity comes n goes back then. february to May i kept crying. tried pretending that im strong, i was ok. THE TRUTH is, Allah knows. 

He was having the time of his life, and since we met online, it means nothing at all to him, he got almost a perfect fiancee, he's contented. it's like they both, just the 2- of -them -against -the- world feeling. There's no need to care bout anyone else. That's what happen when ppl are in love i think. Love is a force. It's unstoppable at its best. So, who was I compared to her. NOTHING. that's right.

He couldnt even put himself in my shoes. critisized me even. Changed from caring to cold. Wow! 

In June, l made it clear to myself, i will start to let go. for 4 months i kept it together, but i missed my friend in October. i cried mutely in Ramadhan when i received a messege from that person. That was when we met. Ramadhan.

On Eid, i was the person he greets on first Eid, but then on 3rd...no need to care right. pathetic me. His fiancee is more important that time HEY,WAKE UP!

I did miss the friendship so much , i couldnt talk to him as always, it always hurts me to pretend. and i resent what had happened.

what i do now is, open my eyes, widely, He'll be married next year. will be someone's husband. I cant want someone else's anything can i? They love each other after the taaruf, which as a "normal" friend, i should be happy about. (which is the hardest thing to do).

So, whats done is done. Tho it was hard, i gradually pull myself together. I'm holding on to this, WHEN ALLAH TAKES SOMETHING/SOMEONE  YOU LOVE, DOESNT MEAN ALLAH HATES YOU, INSTEAD, HE WILL GRANT SOMETHING/SOMEONE MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN U THINK U WANT..

Indeed, Allah is our creator, Allah knows what we need, HE knows us best! Make a lot of dua, and ikhtiar, InsyaAllah the turn out will be the best as it can be.

LET GO,your hands are full lol

IF YOU DONT LET GO OF THE BAD YOU ARE HOLDING ON TO, 

HOW WILL  ALLAH GIVE YOU ONE THE GOOD THAT YOU'RE MEANT TO HAVE ? =)

and this lyrics says it all...

You can't turn back the hands of time 

Just let it go and you'll be fine  

What's done is done and its alright  

You cant turn back the hands of time

I know i said i want to move on, and motivated myself so many times but i just...

i remember the first time i met him on here, it was Aug 16th last year. It was in Ramadhan. It was when i listened and explored all Maher Zain's songs and played them over and over on this mp3.. 

It was in Islam room. He was "educating" some infidel. I told him not to coz he was just wasting his time. He said to me we ought to spread the word of god, whenever and however we can.i was impressed by his knowledge. 3 lines are enough to make him explain complex things! Then he pmed me. I didnt like it at first. (i was like, la why pm me..nosy la). then i asked a question that made the convo went on and on.it happened to both of us that, when we started to chat with each other, we stopped talking to others..i still remember he thought i was a convert but no im born muslim lol.. 

he said my id is an european name."dont u think aurelia is a bit misleading?" i told him my name. " no that's my display name. my name is..."we have the same 3 letters in our name. Then we talked and opened up. like old friends. but that was the first time. We talk before he had his iftaar then after iftaar. 

Then we talked every night till he had to be on call one time. He once onlining when he was on call at the hospital also (he's a doc).We talked for a while before he got called. I miss those days. He taught me new things. He changed me last Ramadhan, but he didnt know... He taught me to do the nite salat..he taught me, even i have difficulties in reading the Quran, but if i tried hard, the reward is priceless.i havent finished Quran yet (ya embarassing. but he motivated me).from that night on, everyday i tried to read one page on Quran. He had such difficulty too when he was younger, when he was 16. Then he learnt. I celebrated wonderful Eid last year coz i get to know a wonderful friend. i cant explain the feeling. i felt brand new, i have this friend, i felt so so contented. i never had this feeling before. i know it sounds ridiculous to say you fell for someone u met online. But i had something. i felt something. He motivated me. I never did night salat before he taught me. After that, i wanted to do it almost every night. He was able to make me listen to him, it's amazing coz my father often fails to do that lol.

i like it when he teaches me stuff. Always valuable things. Hadith and Quranic verses. Then we talked abt surah.whats our favourite surah. Who do we listen to. He loves Al-Afasy, he told me. I like Al-Ghamdi. Then i listen to Al-Afasy also...i told him i like surah Al-waqiah and Yusuf.Then we talked about huur..he thought it was very silly of me coz i told him i wish i was a huur... it's true, if i was one, i wont get hurt like now. he told me, if i kept wanting to be huur, im stupid then, coz i dont appreciate Allah's favor upon me.. yeah..but that's a dream..

I was very comfortable talking to him. I talked about my matrix, secrets like girls do. lol...he was such a good listener. He didnt complain he just listened. i knew some things i said were stupid, but he didnt scorn me...not at all..

I dono when i like him..Probably the second time we talked, or from the first time.why we could get along so well , we just knew each other for a few hours.He told me abt his first love, i told mine lol..this is wat girls do, but it was very comfortable. We're friends.

i kept a diary since i met him. i wrote down the date we met, tho at that time, we're totally strangers! i felt so happy i met him..blissfully unaware why i felt so..i didnt know why i was so happy just to CHAT . u know.. weird isnt it

And i know i'll sound pathetic or whatsoever, everytime i see his name came online, i said 'Alhamdulillah' . that happy i was everytime i see him on.. maybe that was when..He's a wonderful person..And i swear, no one ever made me did that not anyone, he's the first person who made my heart blossom everytime i see his name on.. he was really something.And when i was accepted to my uni, my priority changed, couldnt longer be online like i did on holiday, we still wanted to talk, but he was busy(always is), he asked whether i could spend even 30 mins everyday to chat. Sometimes he came home earlier.(when he does the day duty). i tried. Then we talked every saturdays. i loved it.

We've been friends maybe not for long , just 6 months, then i got the news he's engaged. He was so happy when he told me. I was so sad. That was when i knew i "liked him more than i should have liked him". I cried.I was speechless. I didnt know what to think.. i was helpless.

He came on so happy after that messege he sent me. i just kept asking questions one after another.

He wondered why i didnt congratulate him.Why i was so cold and bitter. He was happy i bet he didnt sense any unhappiness in me that time. He thought i was being skeptical. i wasnt. i believed what he said. all of it. i kept asking him coz i was looking for possibilities that it could be a joke.No it wasnt . He's engaged. 

when i knew i loved a good man, he's taken. it was a shock coz we did talk about it. i knew him as a single man, then 6 months later, i watched him changed from a single man to someone's fiance, and i love him.i cant talk too him as always anymore. Things changed. i cant pretend like it doesnt hurt, its painful.

 Many alim people say that when u are to fall in love, pray to fall for someone whose heart is close to Allah so that he can bring u closer to Allah too..i saw that in him. thats how i fell for him. my wish back then was to have him as a husband so he can guide me with all his knowledge and make me a great muslimah. i can listen to this man. i like listening to what he taught, he changed me..i was amazed..i wanted him, to be my hubby. imam of my life, love of my life. i was so so happy

Then i knew i only have ALLAH'S love...only Allah knows how sad i was,and got myself real close to Allah, coz i knew it was a test. big one. this happened to me back in 2007, i wont let it ruin my life again.

 i acted like a fool,( it was wise actually, found out many things after that). i browse facebook. i found a name same as him ( lets call him A). Same name, diff spelling.lets call him B.then i started to think he has double personality, he has 2 facebook accounts, one for friends, one for family. and to add my misery, yeah B  was also recently engaged, a muslim, same country, believe it or not, he's a doctor too..then i found out that, the medical college that A  went to, is affliated to the university B stated in the info. Then more i found out, when anyone from A medical college graduated, the certificate is granted from university B. And more! the medical college A went to has 2 branches, one in the place B stated in his info ( where he's from probably), and one in another place. I started to think they r the same person, just the id with B name was created earlier bla bla bla..when i told him, he got mad, very very mad. He didnt talk to me.

First, when i explained to him abt my behaviour that day he told me about it, he understood . He thought maybe he's just a chat mate, that was why i didnt celebrate the engagement.But then, i didnt wanna talk to him much, he became annoyed coz he thought i should've move on. it's not worth to cry. i dont control all this. it came on it's own and he just couldnt understand me anymore. No more wonderful friend and good listener. There's someone more important to him, im just a friend. dont matter. give it some time, you'll be fine. it takes time. to me, a lot of time.

Now, he thinks im pessimistic,selfish,egoistic,stubborn,stuck-up, and narrow minded.  Im not selfish. I just cant stand the sadness i have to bare when she got the place i want. i dont talk to him not coz egoistic, i dont wanna add up my sadness. 

"stop lingering in the past. u linger in the past for nothing".he said i linger in the past for no reason, im stubborn. the flashbacks came to me, and i kept thinking of the "something " that made me so attached to him. if thats wat make me stubborn then ....Im not pessimistic, i like ppl being happy, but this one make me suffer. i just want u to know i cant congratulate u coz it hurts so bad. When u told me u've fallen in love it cuts me. Coz 'she' isnt me. i know it's online, and i may sound so stupid publishing this post. but i miss the old u my friend... so much.

Things have changed, we cant talk like "before". u cant want us to be like "before". "Before" is gone. Now tell me whos lingering in the past? u or me? 

the past wont come back....

Lingering in my mind, he left his other works just coz he promised he'd come on n chat, he did.He was supposed to play football at seaside with friends, on the weekends, but there was one sunday, he left it, just to chat with me. i miss that. We talk on Saturdays after Ramadhan.After he got his peds rotation for 6 following months, he been busier, but still he could came on as always. And if my broadband being cranky everytime i talked to him, i always piss off. I didnt like anything to go bad when i talk to him. That was a sign. He didnt understand that . He didnt understand why i was so upset if the line wasnt ok. He thought it was normal. It is normal for internet connection to go cranky, but dont when IM TALKING TO HIM. i dont like it. He also didnt realise why i could stay up till late in the morning, just to chat with him. i couldnt stop...i like sharing with him stuff. He's like my best friend. He was!

wat u did recently was so rude. i pissed off real bad. i wonder whether u were the same person i met. i miss the old u. but i know u wont come back. u probably look at me as a different person now. as u said, i drove u crazy the last time we talked. we used to get along with each other so well. What happened now? 

"u keep saying im mean im mean, this makes no sense"

" i never promised u anything, ive never even told u that i loved u. so where's my fault?"

he used to love teaching me stuff, explaining stuff to me, but then, it's " im not wikipedia nor britannica u know"..changed...

Maybe this is one way. thats y it didnt work. im sure "something" was there. im sure u knew it too. but ur too realistic. and yeah, online love is impossible,absurd to u. For u it's gone. Im the one who's still looking for it. and to u i linger in the past. fine, i'll let go.  Since we both know, the past is behind us. I accept.

Whenever i hear MZ songs, i remember nights in Ramadhan i chatted happily with u. thank u for all those. thank u so much for making me so happy for a while, thank u for helping me in my steps to be a better muslim back then. 

ur mean now, u dont even listen when i cry. i know it doesnt matter coz nothing can be done. im not asking u to break it or anything.NO. im not that stupid ,and this is not a movie. 

im asking u to understand, that im sad, i cant talk to u like im ok,im not.Nothing i say or do will change anything i know that, i do. believe me. i need to say goodbye now but it hurts so much. i want to for a while. i wanna be there when ur happy. i wanna be happy for u like ur other good friends.this is goodbye for now,not goodbye forever.

I dont believe in predictions but man, i give this 5 stars ! it's all true except no 12...

Sifat Bulan Lahir untuk bulan Febuari ialah: 

1. Berfikiran abstrak. - i can write my book...
2. Sukakan benda yang realiti dan abstrak. - patot la i can write my book
   
3. Bijak dan pintar - thank you =)
4. Berpewatakan yang mudah berubah. - yea i treat people the way they treat me..
5. Mudah menawan orang lain. - but they'll go away in no time, but most stick with me =)
6. Agak pendiam. - i am shy
7. Pemalu dan rendah diri. - it's true
8. Jujur dan setia pada segalanya. - when i like, i like to the core...
9. Keras hati untuk mencapai matlamat. - im not gonna let go, but if it's not mine, then i'll learn to let go
10. Tidak suka dikongkong.- dont like ppl telling me what to do/tailing me
11. Mudah memberontak apabila dikongkong. - I'll get mad...
12. Suka kegiatan yang lasak. - this is wrong...i do go to the gym, but im not a big fan of the sun~
13. Emosinya mudah terluka dan sangat sensitif. - i am sensitive...so wat..im a girl...
14. Mudah mempamerkan marahnya.- yea i like ppl to know when im angry, so then wont add up my anger
15. Tidak suka benda yang remeh-temeh. - but sometimes it matters most..other times, not really..
16. Suka berkawan tapi kurang mempamerkannya. - ppl say my face is arrogant,n they tend to avoid me =(.. but i LOVE making friends, a lot!
17. Sangat berani dan suka memberontak. - yea i did this back then, sometimes, now..
18. Bercita-cita tinggi, suka berangan-angan dan ada harapan untuk merealisasikan impiannya.- so true
19. Pemerhatian yang tajam. - i can be a CIA or an FBI if im interested in sth/sb
20. Suka hiburan dan sukan. - entertainment yes, but not really sports...
21. Suka benda yang bersifat seni. - i like seeing beautiful things!
22. Sangat romantik pada dalaman tetapi tidak pada luaran. - Allah knows...
23. Berkecenderungan pada benda yang tahyul. - ya thats y my favourite series is CHARMED thank u. and im afraid of the dark...
24. Amat mudah dan boleh menjadi terlalu boros. - ask my parents and roomates..i need a finacial consultant! i cant handle too much money! it's dangerous!
25. Belajar untuk mempamerkan emosi. - when im unhappy it'll be obvious...i dont like hiding my sadness. it's torturing

then i found this when i was " cleaning up" my hard disk

FOR : My beloved sisters, there's a note.

Houri, Subhanallah......

ALLAH berfirman : “ Sesungguhnya , KAMI mencipta wanita-wanita syurga dengan penciptaan yang baru . KAMI jadikan mereka dalam keadaan dara , yang amat mengasihi suaminya dan yang sebaya dengannya “ 

(Hr Tirmizi dan Al-Baihaqi dengan sanad yang hasan )

No words for this. 


How i wish i was them. At one point, i wont get hurt, not sinned and pure... i am being  grateful for what i am.. This is an "ambition "...

There's this Turkish Drama,.....it's amazing ASK-I MEMNU

ive never seen anything like it . it  made me realize i like tragedy better than happy ending *sounds weird* .it's worth watching i mean. happy ending is too mainstream right ... it really gets into me. i cried and watched it over n over n over ..

info and synopsis : 

Aşk-ı Memnu 

Language : Ottoman Turkish for "The Forbidden Love"

Originally ,is a Turkish romantic novel by Halit Ziya Uşaklıgil. 

It was first serialized in 1899 and 1900 in Servet-i Fünun, a leading Turkish literary magazine of the time.

Ask i memnu set in modern days. tv series 2008-2010

Aşk-ı Memnu takes place in late 19th-century Istanbul. Firdevs is a middle-aged widow with an infamous reputation for belonging to a morally corrupt family, nicknamed as "Melih Bey's Lot". As the novel begins, Firdevs is planning to marry Adnan, a wealthy middle-aged widower. However, Adnan asks for Bihter, Firdevs' 25-year-old daughter, for marriage. Adnan and Bihter are soon married. Bihter soon gets into conflict with Nihal (Adnan's 17-year-old daughter by his earlier marriage), Mademoiselle de Courton (an old French lady who serves as governess to Adnan's two children, Nihal and Bülent) and the house servants. Bihter is eventually seduced by Behlül, her husband's young nephew who is really handsome. Bihter and Behlül's secret relationship continues for one year, until the young man tries to fall in love with Nihal. He begins to fall in love with Nihal but Bihter is still on his mind. Behlül and Nihal prepare for marriage. Bihter is now obsessed with her betrayed love for Behlül. Beşir, a young house servant of Ethiopian descent, knew about Bihter and Behlul's relationship all along and as he is dying he reveals to Adnan the secret of Bihter and Behlül's adulterous relationship.Firdevs escapes from the house as she knows the coming events won't be very good. Meanwhile, a desperate Bihter shoots herself with a gun. Behlül leaves the house. Adnan and Nihal try to recover from this disastrous experience while Behul goes away but first he confesses his love to Bither even after she's dead. Beşir dies.

i read a blog and someone said exactly what i thought about the story..it really hurts when u see Bihter cries..u can really feel the pain. She bears all of it alone. Behlul turns away from her  >>>> 
I really love this show. My heart is broken everytime I see Bihter looking Behlul and telling him with her eyes I love you. He doesn't understand that she truely loves him... she loves him so much. I understand her pain... when she's pregnant and they have a huge fight, when he tells her she's just like her mother.. he kills her with that words.. that's why she goes back to Adnan. She fell like she lost Behlul forever, so she return just to be near Behlul. Just to see him everyday. I would react the same she did. I would tell Behlul the same things she said to him, just to hurt him, to get some emotions from him. She just wanted to be loved by him. But he's a coward. He really is. I hate him:) ... Bihter is the only person, who really suffered all her marriage, being in love with someone she isn't allowed to love... All the pain she's feeling inside is too much for her. She's broken into pieces. Her heart is dying... her only love is leaving her... she doesn't commit suicide because of shame. She's proud she loved someone so much in her life. But she can't stand the pain. She can't stand the knowledge that Belhul came to her at the last episode, just to convince her to not tell Adnan about them.. that kills her. She doesn't kill herself... Behlul kills her.

to me, yes Bihter has cheated her husband and comitted adultery and all with Adnan's nephew, whom he calls son.. But that wasnt not what Bihter wanted. Behlul was the one who started all this. He dragged her to this forbidden love, then leaves her. This all happens coz Behlul is such a coward to admit that he really loves Bihter.Bihter knows this love is impossible and forbidden, but she knows he loves her n she loves him too. That makes her so stubborn all the way.She wants what she wants..
 

she is strong. But not always...She's a woman..

She doesnt get it, she lost, at the end, she shoot herself.Behlul's cowardness had killed Bihter .Also, at the end, we see Behlul cries at Bihter's grave telling her how much he loved her, when it's all to late.Bihter bears all the pain by herself and imagine, she cant tell nobody,but her anne.But Firdevs doesnt think she should be with Behlul at all and made Behlul fall for Nihal instead.. 

"Baba bak!" Engagement. Nihal ve Behlul

Watching Beren Saat plays Bihter is impressive coz i can really see the betrayal and the pain this "Bihter" is going through. She's a strong woman.

Adnan: Father
Bihter: Adnan's wife
Nihal&Bulent: Adnan's children
Behlul: Adnan's nephew
Mademoiselle/deniz: adnan's children nanny
Elif: Behlul's girlfriend/ soon, ex fiancee
Firdevs: Bihter's mother.
Peyker: Bihter's sister & Behlul's ex.
Besir, Cemile, Nesrin, Sayeste & Suleyman: Servants of the house.
Katya: Firdevs' servant
Nihat: Peyker's husband.

Nihal & Bihter had the classic stepmom-stepdaughter crisis at first...

Everything was OK till honorless Behlul somehow stole her heart.

I had migrain watching this for the first time 10 episodes in a row...60s to 70s (sad part starts). Full of emotions .

last time she saw Peyker...

He didnt wanna leave Nihal and run away with her.

After bidding farewell to Behlul before he gets married to Nihal in episode 79...

gosh! What was killing me was, Bihter n Behlul loved each other, but IT'S FORBIDDEN!  they cant be together! See, im emotional too. Then there was tears, betrayal, they got back together, they hated each other. OMG...Lastly, it was tragic....

He loves the wrong woman. She loves the wrong man.

Bihter is not an indecent woman, but an unfortunate one.

Adnan loves Bihter.
Nihal loves Behlul.
Besir loves Nihal.
Cemile loves Besir.
Behlul loves Bihter
Bihter loves Behlul.
Mademoiselle loves Adnan.

Elif loved Behlul

Peyker loved Behlul.

Nihat loves Peyker.
Firdevs loves money.
Bulent loves everybody.
Everybody loves Bulent

THIS IS A RECAP FROM MY FAVOURITE EPISODE 69 & 70.
 I feel her pain.. mostly coz Beren makes Bihter "alive" in this scene. love it. it was sad tho. watching her break down.

keeping it together

still keeping it together

burst into tears

her agony

lost her control

she's helpless.

____________________________________________________________

coward Behlul..as always..

it hurts when u know the one u love feels the same but he's too stupid to act right...tears says it all

i cant get enough of this drama im addicted its good! But only can watch on u-tube..my internet connection is acting up! frustrated..! Wish it was on TV3 =( 
__________________________________________________________

that was in 2011  , now 2013, there's a channel on youtube translating the whole episode in english..

_______________________________________________________
Hello. it's 2015 now, the page which translates this series in English has been shut down due to copyright issues i guess. i checked their FB and YOUTUBE CHANNEL. it is gone. it is such a disappointment because i LOVE Turkish soaps ,they are amazing, sometimes better than Hollywood series, unfortunately not many are translated into English , however, when some people do upload this amazing series with English subs, it has been taken down or removed.... i did scroll for other recommended Turkish soap, i can find MUHTESEM YUZYIL (many episodes available in English), EZEL (full English subbed) but not ASK I MEMNU.. im so frustrated. i'll keep looking. i hope there will be English subbed for full episodes of ASK I MEMNU available online. if any of you fans of this series, found the full episodes English subbed please share it with me. the series has ended years ago, but im still looking and hope to watch all episodes in English very badly...