Saturday, November 7, 2015

Just a bridesmaid..not the Bride..

One of my besties in matrics is going to get married and guess what? she wants me to be one of her bridesmaid!! Ive never done this girly girl thing before. I have insecurities and anxieties that I may mess up her wedding. Gelabah giler right?

I bickered with the future bride. Because i refuse to be the bridesmaid.

i wanted to come, but as a guest like others je. Hahahaha

Bukan tak nak. Tapi banyak kekangan kot. Aku happy je kalau best friend jemput wedding dia. Makan free sape tak suka. And tengok kawan baik sendiri bersanding, dua tiga kali suka!!

Tapi aku tak suka benda- benda bidaah wedding orang sekarang ni. Nak ber braidesmaid bagai. Aku faham semua orang nak gambar wedding cantik cantik. Aku pon nak. Tapi mesti la orang yang kau nak appoint jadi bridesmaid tu willing nak jadi bridesmaid kau.

Aku tak nak. Aku repeat banyak kali kat bride to be aku tak nak. Sebab aku tak biasa buat semua tu. Aku nak datang happy happy je.. Nak makan, nak be there for her on her happiest day.

but i am short of money right now. my ptptn loan has finished. setakat keluar makan dengan dorang haritu boleh la sebab makan je... i slept at her house that night becauce it was really late to catch LRT trip to go back to campus. then that night , the future bride gave me kain pasang to be made the bridesmaid dress. and it is SATIN. i am so insecure it is gonna make me look fatter than i already am!

i was really dissapointed because she doesnt cover the expenses for the tailoring of the bridesmaid dress. it is expensive.

i literally, honestly, do not have money to cover these expenses.

 there is other bridesmaid to-be with me that night. all night long she has been supporting everything the future bride says. i didn't get any support from anyone at all . i was really annoyed. from sincerely i wanted to attend her wedding, to annoyed and i even thinking not to come. because they talk to selfishly. i could not believe how selfish they were that night.  i explained every reasons why i cant be there on the wedding. but none gave me empathy at all.

i said okay later that night because i didnt want to drag this further. i wanted to sleep . it was almost 2 am.

but my heart was still reluctant.

the next morning, the future bride (A) , the other bridesmaid to be (B)  and me, went to look for shawls at Jakel. unfortunately, the colour that the bride aimed to have is SOLD OUT.

She wanted  the exact colour. i found the colour that is 99% similar to her sample, only the material is different, and they both rejected it. do you know how stressful i was that day? i just wanted to go back to campus.

then they decided to look around Jakel , maybe we'd find the colour at different stores there. i  went and i knew we were not going to find it because she cannot tolerate similar colours, she wants the exact SOLD OUT material. the exact one.

we did not find it at any stores we looked in around Jakel. we get into the car because she wanted to look in KL branch. we were in Shah Alam. in the car, i show the sample chiffon cardigan i was going to get to go with the kain pasang to be made the bridesmaid dress. i found a sample dress from Zawara instagram account. i showed it to her, and we decided to visit Zawara just a few steeps away from our car, so that she can approve whether i can wear it to the wedding or not.. she wants the exact colour. it is satin kain pasang.. if i choose chiffion material, the similar colour but one tone lighter, she doesnt approve. one tone ! vjust a tone, not a different colour, a tone!!  and she wont approve it. imagine if i shopped alone and just come to the wedding with it. she probably wont approve what i wear at all.

it was rough for me. she was being so fussy. i cant bare with that much. i was too annoyed.

 i was forced to be her bridesmaid, i was forced to look for same exact material at different stores , and i have quiz on Monday that i haven't revise for yet! ( it was Saturday morning) and i have to pay for all expenses, when i had no money. LITERALLY.

that night they asked me to get a "loan" from my parents. i cant do that. to me, that is really selfish of them.

i  am not from a rich family. my parents do not have a lot of money. it is not easy for me to ask them for money like this. A and B did not or they just wont understand when i said i dont have any money to spend on th it. is. they would just disregard it. maybe they think it was nothing, but i repeat, i dont have money for real.

this dress and that dress... it is still pink right????
before we reach Zawara, i saw  the chiffon blouse that could go with the  SATIN kain pasang.. the same colour but they said, it is different colour. it is not like the SATIN is red and i picked blue chiffon, it is still RED but just one tone warmer! one! i almost give up.

tell me if im wrong. isnt this dress also pink?!!
 and at that store i made a hasty decision and i lost rm 50 over a blouse that now i will not wear.

 i found one blouse that she approved of, from the store but when i tried it back in campus, it does not fit well. now i will not wear it. there u go rm 50.

There at the store, God had mercy on me. we  found the one shawl exactly like the material and color A wanted. B found it, but i was stressed, and they asked me if i wanted it, i said YES immidietly and it's mine. B had to find another shawl because that was the only piece.

i had to pay for the shawl as well. i panicked because there was no more money in my purse that moment. i asked A to pay for me first , i would withdraw some money after. ( i had to withdraw money from Tabung Haji account because i have no money left. this account is not supposed to be touched, but i had to.. i was desperate and no one understood me).

i paid her back before i left for LRT station to go back to my campus.(more expensive because Gombak to Bts is not the route i always take.).

i just want to get way from them as soon as possible because a part inside of me could not believe how i became best friends with these selfish people. seriously. i no longer feel sincere to do this bridesmaid thingy nor i want to come  to her  wedding because of these.

i came back to my campus, kancheong-ing , looking for a tailor that would sew this kain pasang into a bridesmaid dress with a low price. i was busy googling, asking, and texting many people about tailor, while i needed to study for quiz that Monday!!! i couldn't stand how stressful it was- if i did not settle the tailor part quickly..

 i found one, and it is at Plaza IDAMAN near to ONG TAI KIM ..i dont have a car, so i had to ask a kind friend of mine to take me there. thankfully, she was willing to take me and the tailor said it will cost me rm 85 for the bridesmaid dress. i had to pay deposit. afraid to tell my parents, i used the money i withdrew from Tabung Haji earlier to pay the deposit for the dress.

I felt depressed. A or B did not give me any empathy at all. especially A.. she comes from a well to do family. i am her friend, and her bridesmaid for crying out loud!!  this was her idea. i expect she showed me some mercy or understanding about my situation. she was full on selfish! i couldn't believe it. she was the same person who gave me lunch money when i ran out of it (matrics year) , when my parents could only come after work to hand me the money... now she doesn't even understand when i say i honestly have no money.  people change. now i really believe that.

the solemnization and reception will take place at her house which is far from KL. i am in my semester and assignments and presentation is piling up. i thought maybe there will be time for me on the weekend to attend this wedding but it is complicated than expected.

  • it will take rm 70 fuel money if we were to drive to there, plus toll fare will be more than rm 70 lah..
  • if traveled by bus, it is 8 hours from KL (one way)
  • the smartest plan is to board on a plane. one hour return flight.

i talked about this with B. and it was so hard to communicate and make plans with these 2 seriously!

they do not reply whatsapp, B just reply after 5 till 830pm??? and A will reply late. and i am the one who has to spend my time planning and searching for cheap tickets and time that suits us!!

B is working and she is only free after 2.30pm Friday ( wedding is on Saturday). On Friday, i do not have class.. so my time is  a lot more flexible than B..i did everything ok.

i looked for tickets slot, and showed her. i texted A about it, but sometimes her mind is elsewhere and i have to explain in AGAIN!

i didnt wanna get angry nor being cranky and hard to cooperate with - but she was annoying ok! at least try to pay attention. im doing this for your wedding! please appreciate it.. gosh

B , whenever i screenshot the tickets slot that is suitable for us, she is a bit reluctant to book them. Probably because i said, i would have to borrow her money for the flight tickets. when A says anything, she's a YES MACHINE. but behind A, about tickets to get to the wedding , she's stalling and delaying our decision making.the tickets are selling fast and we missed a few good opportunities.

do you know how stressful this is????

and do you know what this means? i have to take the bus! 8 hours on the road. 16 hours altogether.

at some point, i really hate them. literally hate both of them for not understanding my situation. help me, to help u ..u know!

when A and B reacted that way, i still tried to convince A of another way. i was really desperate.. i made effort but they didn't seem to give a shit..

 i asked A to sponsor  our flight tickets. at least sponsor us one thing, i wouldn't feel so burdened about the costs..lher father is rich ok. her family is a well to do family..but she didn't show any empathy. she  thought i was kidding in the whats app texts..and i started to think, if this is how selfish she could be with me, why should I ever care to attend this wedding.

she never consider my situation, all she cares about is we get there, and be her bridesmaid. she doesnt care how will we get there, just be there by hook or by crook.

selfish. inconsiderate.

a month later, the dress is done. again i have to ask a kind friend who owns a car to get me to Plaza IDAMAN. and she did. i paid for the dress ( rm65 more). it fits me well.

i used a lot of money and it burdens my parents. this month, i have a presentation that requires me to look presentable and professional. i bought a new blouse and new shawl to prepare for it. i pick the affordable ones.

 my mother is unwell and we constantly have to spend money. my youngest brother is in his tertiary studies like me. so we need money from our parents from time to time. i am from an average family, and believe me when i say what she asks me to do is burdening.

maybe some of you who come across this entry will say i am "berkira" ,small matter only whats the fuss!!  stingy and "tak sporting" or anything.. you don't walk in my shoes, you wont know how it is..

 i had one week semester break.i went back home to my parents. i talked to my mum about this. i did not tell my dad because he is burdened enough. my mum is kind because she thinks that A deserves wedding gift because she helped me when i was in matrics.My mum  gave me RM150 for me to buy A's wedding gift. she seems reluctant to let me go travel to somewhere i have not been by bus. and i did not want to worry her.. i said maybe i will not go, i am busy with assignments.. i told her about the dress costs and she says it's ok. what is done is done..

when i was heading back to KL, before i walked out the door my mum asked me again if i wanted to go. i just said most probably not.. then my dad interjected " go where" . i said to A's wedding in K_ _ _ _ _ _ _ .he made a  troubled face. he knew i would need money. then i told my mum "no" because if i were to go, i  need to go by flight because it wont take much time, and it is rm 100 to go to KLIA by taxi from campus.. i dont have that much. so i wont go.  i just wanted to make my parents feel relieved.

then my mum added in front of my dad " she needs to go to her friends wedding but it is in K--------- , i dont approve of her going. it is too far" .then i kissed my mums hand and get in the car. this conversation ends here with my parents.

i went back to KL, thinking how would i go to A's wedding. she is my best friend,the dress is done.. but at the same time, she's being totally  inconsiderate.

she told us she would rent us a homestay, but her lecturer rents it for her classmates and we have to stay at her house on the day.( i dont get it).. on the day, there will be chaotic, we may not able to sleep.. it is not a guest room, it is her sister's room. now one more bridesmaid ( our long lost click has been found. literally. she dissapeared after matrics) and more space needed to sleep. i don't think i can bare. i am the type of person that if i don't get enough sleep, usually i will have flu, then i cant function for the day. im  not kidding nor im being difficult. this is what usually happen to me. and to think of this would likely to happen on the day of someone else's wedding,and im the bridesmaid,  headache.

i have no money. i have to travel 16 hours by bus. i may not have enough sleep. i may ruin the photography session with my tired not that photogenic, plus that satin dress.. urghhh


that's it. i cant go. if it is meant to be, it will be smooth, but it's not. if A sponsored either my dress, the shawl or the tickets , i can be more considerate , but she doesn't.

my selfish self took over and planned my way out of this.

i watch Pretty Little Liars too much .i made up a story. i feel guilty for A. But i actually do not have the money to make it to the wedding. it was a white lie.

please do not judge me.

i tried to tell A and B that i could not go since the very beginning -  the night A gave me kain pasang to be made a dress! we bickered and i explained REASONS why i can't  be her bridesmaid, i want to come as a common guest if she still insists ( i dont have to pay for any tailoring, i can just wear what is in my wardrobe).but they didn't listen at all.this is my only way out. i have been selfless along the way.

I told them I cant go because my of decentralized examination. i texted them ASAP in the class after my lecturer  told me  i have a midterm a day after the wedding. if i went, i would only  reach KL in the early morning of Sunday , and i will not have  the time to revise or rest because of the long hour bus trip and that'd be crazy

they replied my  text as if they knew i was lying but i don't know. maybe they do, maybe they don't.

im out.
C  bridesmaid is found.
 i think all will be OK.inshallah... we pray for the best yes?

i offer my dress and my shawls to A, if she has any relatives that would fit into my dress and borrow it for the day. for the photography shoot.

A says she will tell me if she needs me to post them to her.

i do regret and saddened by the fact that that i wont be able to reunite with all members of my group ( besties)  after 5 years we are separated because of this lie and this situation im in..

this is the only time the 5 of us will get together...

i guess it is fine.

 A,B are okay with me. A asks about my opinion on her makeup for the day.. i give opinions on bridesmaids dress etc. everything is fine.

though i will not be at her wedding,  i can send prayer that her wedding will be smooth, and everything will be as planned amiin.

i just wish i didnt have to lie...


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