I know i said i want to move on, and motivated myself so many times but i just...

i remember the first time i met him on here, it was Aug 16th last year. It was in Ramadhan. It was when i listened and explored all Maher Zain's songs and played them over and over on this mp3.. 

It was in Islam room. He was "educating" some infidel. I told him not to coz he was just wasting his time. He said to me we ought to spread the word of god, whenever and however we can.i was impressed by his knowledge. 3 lines are enough to make him explain complex things! Then he pmed me. I didnt like it at first. (i was like, la why pm me..nosy la). then i asked a question that made the convo went on and on.it happened to both of us that, when we started to chat with each other, we stopped talking to others..i still remember he thought i was a convert but no im born muslim lol.. 

he said my id is an european name."dont u think aurelia is a bit misleading?" i told him my name. " no that's my display name. my name is..."we have the same 3 letters in our name. Then we talked and opened up. like old friends. but that was the first time. We talk before he had his iftaar then after iftaar. 

Then we talked every night till he had to be on call one time. He once onlining when he was on call at the hospital also (he's a doc).We talked for a while before he got called. I miss those days. He taught me new things. He changed me last Ramadhan, but he didnt know... He taught me to do the nite salat..he taught me, even i have difficulties in reading the Quran, but if i tried hard, the reward is priceless.i havent finished Quran yet (ya embarassing. but he motivated me).from that night on, everyday i tried to read one page on Quran. He had such difficulty too when he was younger, when he was 16. Then he learnt. I celebrated wonderful Eid last year coz i get to know a wonderful friend. i cant explain the feeling. i felt brand new, i have this friend, i felt so so contented. i never had this feeling before. i know it sounds ridiculous to say you fell for someone u met online. But i had something. i felt something. He motivated me. I never did night salat before he taught me. After that, i wanted to do it almost every night. He was able to make me listen to him, it's amazing coz my father often fails to do that lol.

i like it when he teaches me stuff. Always valuable things. Hadith and Quranic verses. Then we talked abt surah.whats our favourite surah. Who do we listen to. He loves Al-Afasy, he told me. I like Al-Ghamdi. Then i listen to Al-Afasy also...i told him i like surah Al-waqiah and Yusuf.Then we talked about huur..he thought it was very silly of me coz i told him i wish i was a huur... it's true, if i was one, i wont get hurt like now. he told me, if i kept wanting to be huur, im stupid then, coz i dont appreciate Allah's favor upon me.. yeah..but that's a dream..

I was very comfortable talking to him. I talked about my matrix, secrets like girls do. lol...he was such a good listener. He didnt complain he just listened. i knew some things i said were stupid, but he didnt scorn me...not at all..

I dono when i like him..Probably the second time we talked, or from the first time.why we could get along so well , we just knew each other for a few hours.He told me abt his first love, i told mine lol..this is wat girls do, but it was very comfortable. We're friends.

i kept a diary since i met him. i wrote down the date we met, tho at that time, we're totally strangers! i felt so happy i met him..blissfully unaware why i felt so..i didnt know why i was so happy just to CHAT . u know.. weird isnt it

And i know i'll sound pathetic or whatsoever, everytime i see his name came online, i said 'Alhamdulillah' . that happy i was everytime i see him on.. maybe that was when..He's a wonderful person..And i swear, no one ever made me did that not anyone, he's the first person who made my heart blossom everytime i see his name on.. he was really something.And when i was accepted to my uni, my priority changed, couldnt longer be online like i did on holiday, we still wanted to talk, but he was busy(always is), he asked whether i could spend even 30 mins everyday to chat. Sometimes he came home earlier.(when he does the day duty). i tried. Then we talked every saturdays. i loved it.

We've been friends maybe not for long , just 6 months, then i got the news he's engaged. He was so happy when he told me. I was so sad. That was when i knew i "liked him more than i should have liked him". I cried.I was speechless. I didnt know what to think.. i was helpless.

He came on so happy after that messege he sent me. i just kept asking questions one after another.

He wondered why i didnt congratulate him.Why i was so cold and bitter. He was happy i bet he didnt sense any unhappiness in me that time. He thought i was being skeptical. i wasnt. i believed what he said. all of it. i kept asking him coz i was looking for possibilities that it could be a joke.No it wasnt . He's engaged. 

when i knew i loved a good man, he's taken. it was a shock coz we did talk about it. i knew him as a single man, then 6 months later, i watched him changed from a single man to someone's fiance, and i love him.i cant talk too him as always anymore. Things changed. i cant pretend like it doesnt hurt, its painful.

 Many alim people say that when u are to fall in love, pray to fall for someone whose heart is close to Allah so that he can bring u closer to Allah too..i saw that in him. thats how i fell for him. my wish back then was to have him as a husband so he can guide me with all his knowledge and make me a great muslimah. i can listen to this man. i like listening to what he taught, he changed me..i was amazed..i wanted him, to be my hubby. imam of my life, love of my life. i was so so happy

Then i knew i only have ALLAH'S love...only Allah knows how sad i was,and got myself real close to Allah, coz i knew it was a test. big one. this happened to me back in 2007, i wont let it ruin my life again.

 i acted like a fool,( it was wise actually, found out many things after that). i browse facebook. i found a name same as him ( lets call him A). Same name, diff spelling.lets call him B.then i started to think he has double personality, he has 2 facebook accounts, one for friends, one for family. and to add my misery, yeah B  was also recently engaged, a muslim, same country, believe it or not, he's a doctor too..then i found out that, the medical college that A  went to, is affliated to the university B stated in the info. Then more i found out, when anyone from A medical college graduated, the certificate is granted from university B. And more! the medical college A went to has 2 branches, one in the place B stated in his info ( where he's from probably), and one in another place. I started to think they r the same person, just the id with B name was created earlier bla bla bla..when i told him, he got mad, very very mad. He didnt talk to me.

First, when i explained to him abt my behaviour that day he told me about it, he understood . He thought maybe he's just a chat mate, that was why i didnt celebrate the engagement.But then, i didnt wanna talk to him much, he became annoyed coz he thought i should've move on. it's not worth to cry. i dont control all this. it came on it's own and he just couldnt understand me anymore. No more wonderful friend and good listener. There's someone more important to him, im just a friend. dont matter. give it some time, you'll be fine. it takes time. to me, a lot of time.

Now, he thinks im pessimistic,selfish,egoistic,stubborn,stuck-up, and narrow minded.  Im not selfish. I just cant stand the sadness i have to bare when she got the place i want. i dont talk to him not coz egoistic, i dont wanna add up my sadness. 

"stop lingering in the past. u linger in the past for nothing".he said i linger in the past for no reason, im stubborn. the flashbacks came to me, and i kept thinking of the "something " that made me so attached to him. if thats wat make me stubborn then ....Im not pessimistic, i like ppl being happy, but this one make me suffer. i just want u to know i cant congratulate u coz it hurts so bad. When u told me u've fallen in love it cuts me. Coz 'she' isnt me. i know it's online, and i may sound so stupid publishing this post. but i miss the old u my friend... so much.

Things have changed, we cant talk like "before". u cant want us to be like "before". "Before" is gone. Now tell me whos lingering in the past? u or me? 

the past wont come back....

Lingering in my mind, he left his other works just coz he promised he'd come on n chat, he did.He was supposed to play football at seaside with friends, on the weekends, but there was one sunday, he left it, just to chat with me. i miss that. We talk on Saturdays after Ramadhan.After he got his peds rotation for 6 following months, he been busier, but still he could came on as always. And if my broadband being cranky everytime i talked to him, i always piss off. I didnt like anything to go bad when i talk to him. That was a sign. He didnt understand that . He didnt understand why i was so upset if the line wasnt ok. He thought it was normal. It is normal for internet connection to go cranky, but dont when IM TALKING TO HIM. i dont like it. He also didnt realise why i could stay up till late in the morning, just to chat with him. i couldnt stop...i like sharing with him stuff. He's like my best friend. He was!

wat u did recently was so rude. i pissed off real bad. i wonder whether u were the same person i met. i miss the old u. but i know u wont come back. u probably look at me as a different person now. as u said, i drove u crazy the last time we talked. we used to get along with each other so well. What happened now? 

"u keep saying im mean im mean, this makes no sense"

" i never promised u anything, ive never even told u that i loved u. so where's my fault?"

he used to love teaching me stuff, explaining stuff to me, but then, it's " im not wikipedia nor britannica u know"..changed...

Maybe this is one way. thats y it didnt work. im sure "something" was there. im sure u knew it too. but ur too realistic. and yeah, online love is impossible,absurd to u. For u it's gone. Im the one who's still looking for it. and to u i linger in the past. fine, i'll let go.  Since we both know, the past is behind us. I accept.

Whenever i hear MZ songs, i remember nights in Ramadhan i chatted happily with u. thank u for all those. thank u so much for making me so happy for a while, thank u for helping me in my steps to be a better muslim back then. 

ur mean now, u dont even listen when i cry. i know it doesnt matter coz nothing can be done. im not asking u to break it or anything.NO. im not that stupid ,and this is not a movie. 

im asking u to understand, that im sad, i cant talk to u like im ok,im not.Nothing i say or do will change anything i know that, i do. believe me. i need to say goodbye now but it hurts so much. i want to for a while. i wanna be there when ur happy. i wanna be happy for u like ur other good friends.this is goodbye for now,not goodbye forever.