every time..every single time..

hi life.

i just feel like writing tonight.

i am sad.

my assumption about men are almost true. not that im THAT surprise but i just wished it didnt happen to me. but it did.

sekarang baru aku sedar kenapa Allah tak pernah uji aku dengan ujian bercinta. Sebab aku tak kuat kot...

aku sedih sangat sekarang..jarang aku nangis bila masuk main campus..perangai sensitif ni masa aku foundation kat nilai je ..tak sangka aku akan menangis jugak sebab benda mcm ni.

 aku tak de sesiapa nak cerita . kalau aku confess kat page confession pun mungkin aku dapat bashing comment .. atau mungkin confession aku tak di-publish sebab admin  main tapis2 jugak sekarang.. daripada aku frust, baik aku tulis dalam blog aku sendiri..

last semester, aku ada masalah dengan prereg subject ( register subjects for new semester online for UIA students ) . masalahnye, uia buat rule baru: yang tak bayar tuition fee, fine or apa2 je financial yg tertunggak, tak boleh log in portal utk register subject. aku adalah salah seorang mangsa. aku pun joined lah comment pasal hal ni dia facebook page IIUM.

my comment was approximately : kalau nak suruh bayar sekarang mana ada duit *sad face*

  ( i depend on ptptn to pay fees and it was not credited yet by the time prereg started).

then there was a guy liked it. long story short, that guy wanted to friend me on Facebook.

i didnt know who he was. i dont approve strangers. then thinking that he is also IIUM student, i approved the request.  He IM-ed me and we complained abt the distress we have to face about the fees and prereg etc.

he's an engineering student. and i thought thats cool!  i got to build my network with different students from different kulliyyah ( faculty).

and he IMed  me everyday from that day i befriended him..

my instinct had it figured out .. he is 4th year student like me, and he is on the path where IIUM students are most  anxious about apparently.. looking for the one.

i didnt want to get his, or my hopes up. because from my experience, IIUM guys , or guys in general (talking by experience)  only like pretty fashionable girls, with all the desirable feminine qualities, i may add..

 well im not ugly , but not that wow! pretty either.. im just okay girl, light beige skin ,5'4, a bit chubby and i look like my bloodline of Yemen + Thai + Malay so .. from my primary,secondary, matrics ,cfs until now no guys had approach me.. i guess im a boy repellent?

i replied all his messeges. i treat people the way they treat me. he was nice, therefore i was nice to him. it's just that when he gave the hint that he was interested to go further than friends, i quickly stopped  him. like he wanted to accompany me to go out coz i had to do some shopping, and he wanted to drop by my mahallah (all IIUM undergraduates live in mahallah ( hostels) inside UIA until they graduate) to fix my laptop software. i said no, i don't know how to go out with  guys * i literally dont know how to socialize with guys.im not lying* . i didnt even want to meet him.  i told him, i could google how to do it.so there u go..

because i know, once he sees me, he is gonna be judgmental, he is going to leave like other guys who had talked to me online, but once they saw my Instagram even, they went quiet and gradually stopped talking to me.. i don't want to sound despondent or begging for sympathy but that is what always happens, and i am used to it..

so i thought, here u go, this is another one.. for how long u going to get his hopes up? ..all guys that talked to me, the way they talked at first, like im so special, like im a hot girl they want to date, then after they see me, they changed their minds..so does their attitude.

he used to messeged me everyday for like 2 weeks if im not mistaken.. he send me "get up!" messege in the morning, he texted me tho it was late and a few times he asked me to extend my time texting him. as usual, i knew this was because he thought that  i was somewhat pretty girl that he never sees yet, that's why he was so nice, so i stopped him and bid goodnight.

he even asked for my number to text me by whatsapp.. and i said "here is fine" ( FB )

i did not want to get his hopes up.. even when i upload a status when i was upset, he would ask what was troubling me.. that was really nice.

i did feel appreciated. and like i said, i knew he was just another guy that will go away.. i didnt want to feel that happy..

then i decided to show him my Instagram where i post my pics ( i dont put pics on Facebook)

like i expected... the next day, no more messeges in the morning like it used to be.. at noon.. or late night.. only days after that, he texted me, just to be polite i guess..and not to make it that obvious to me ..

he continues messaging me on and off.. but not everyday.. like weeks or months.. 

one time i asked about itunes because i had problems with my ipod. he did help me but i was noob about itunes and said something noob, so he laughed at my stupidity i guess and answered as if he wanted me to quickly stop asking him more questions. i was feeling offended and i didnt reply anything.

he realized the fact and said he was sorry after a few days.. that was nice. 

he likes to play guitar.. and he posted guitar version of Korean drama ost that happened to be the one i like on his Instagram.. i liked that Instagram posting..

then he im-ed my Facebook asking me whether it is nice or otherwise. i said it was nice.and we're friends again.

everything went okay.. he didn't seem to have any problem with me. he posts guitar covers whenever he feels like it.. yeah everything was OK.

one time, he asked me about my midterm. how was it.. i answered nicely.. 

and by the time we had to do prereg again, he asked me whether i could register my subjects or not.. there was no problem..he even recalled how we got to be friends. " i remember because of prereg problem, i started IM-ing you " .. i replied "yeah. luckily now we've settled prereg" ( all dialogue exchanges are in Malay)

he was sensitive enough to remember how we became friends. that was a nice thing to say right? 

i thought that was a sweet gesture..

but that doesn't last nor it moves to next level.. it stops there..

he  is a cat person. i found a page posting relly cute cat plushtoy-sling bags ( i dont know what they're called) and i showed it to him.

he liked it he wanted to buy it even.. and when i found other page selling this kind of merchandise, i showed it to him. i thought to myself " he likes cat, he must've liked this too" 

and i remember that was the last friendly conversation i had with him..

then no more..

i dont know why..sometimes he uploads a status, then i comment on it.. and he was just replying briefly. well ,he used to talk to me everyday, and even when he was playing DOTA he talked to me.

one time he even noticed that  i didnt like him resuming DOTA while talking to me , he expressed that , and just talk to me. no DOTA. .i kinda miss that even though i knew from the beginning,  this was in order..

story of my life..

i guess guys do that all the time.. when they find someone better, the previous one is trash. i know im not his THE ONE or anything, but he makes me feel bad now when he used to make me feel a bit special..

hearts are not to be played with .hati perempuan tu lembut. no matter how strong we look outside, mcm mana berdikari pun seseorang wanita tu, hati dia fragile. nak2 lagi bab2 macam ni.. janganlah mainkan perasaan org perempuan. awak tak tahu apa dia rasa. awak nampak dia okay je. tapi dalam hati tuhan je yang tahu.

recently, my Samsung note had problems. usually when it comes to tech or gadgets, i refer to him.

he replied me as if i was bothering him. i noticed that but there was no one else. i don't have male friends who are expert about gadget on Facebook.

 he answered my questions . he said my charger port was the culprit of the note not charging and wont turn on.  i asked the details like how much it would cost to repair, how long does it take and where can i go.. i asked if i went to wangsa walk is it gonna be expensive? he said no need,IIUM students who runs gadget business could fix it for me in no time. i asked who and where.. he went quite until today..

i settled it myself.

i was a little sad. but, i did not pay attention to it.

tak pe lah.. mungkin soalan aku tu bodoh, remeh atau menyerabutkan kepala dia je.

yesterday or last 2 days he uploaded a Facebook status about the finale of his fav drama series on tv3 ( hmm yes, he watches drama and read novels too, and DOTA, and guitar) and for fun, i went through the comments because they mentioned about Mira Filzah ( the lead actress) and i kept seeing MF being mentioned everywhere these days, so i paid attention.

there was a girl commenting . and i thought owwh interesting , he talks to girl now ha?

the reason i felt that was interesting because , earlier when he was actively texting me , he asked me to give opinion about him from a girl's perspective.and i had to give my honest opinion about him.. (he said if he asks guys they wont answer honestly. )

 moving on,  i went on her Facebook wall ( i didnt know why i did this honestly) so i  found out she likes DOTA ,japanese anime, plays guitar - those are his things ; they have A LOT of things in common. then i thought wow! interesting. then i stopped there and laughed. i didnt feel anything until tonight i put it all together.

and i cried..

stupid me..

i found out that he treated her now like he used to treat  me.. there's no need to elaborate in length. likes, comments.not to mention praises..huhu.. on that girl's page..and that girl's status are like approximately (thank you for coping with me.. im hardheaded you know who u are bla bla bla) .. we all know the drill.

i always dont know what i want, or have, until it is taken from me? NO i dont have feelings for him nor i LIKE him "THAT WAY " you know what i mean right?

well technically and practically, he is not mine or anything, but i am really sad to see my worst expectation about guys is true. that is what makes me sad actually. the expectation matches reality and it is a bad thing in my opinion, and that bad thing happens to me. to me!

you gave girls hope, then you find her does not suit your interest, leave her like a trash. find a new one.

 but ya..i have a heart. i get hurt. im human and i cry because of this.. i realize im no one in anybody's life at all. and i have fear to love. im afraid of losing love so i never ever start ..because every time i hope, it is always crushed.. 

i understand that everyone has the right to seek for jodoh and they have to make efforts and strive for it. but not at the expense of soemthing else. do u agree with me? this type of guy treats girl nicely when he thinks she's a potential 'candidate' but then when she no longer serve his interest, slowly and carefully back off then puff dissapear like nothing happend.

this type mothers and fathers, or future moms and dads are the self-important sweet talker that you need your daughters to be away from..

 pandai melayan perempuan dan buat perempuan rasa " okay dia ni bole tahan baik ". tapi jangan suka sangat, bila dia jumpa someone new yang dia fikir memenuhi "checklist" dia, slow dia ignore kau dan buat kau rasa seperti sampah dalam tong kaler2 cute. hanya memberi harapan kepada perempuan tetapi tidak tahu cara yang baik utk endkan "something" yang dah built up when he was in the process of usha-ing the girl.

please, tahu umur awak dah lanjut dan dalam process cari teman hidup, tapi awak kena belajar cara layan perempuan dengan lebih baik lagi.

ok ni mungkin takde kaitan dan sangat off topic, but if you watch CHARMED time travel episode, they wont get back to their present time if the lesson they need to learn is not fulfilled. so samalah situation nya dengan awak mister, maybe you need a lesson on how to treat women a little better then only you will find Your ONE. until then, stop desperately texting people's daughter and sweet talking them then left when she no longer fit into your long checklist!  cause that's a cruel thing to do. until you understand this, goodluck finding the one.